Casting out Shame & Self Loathing.
By Tx Tall Tales – Listen to the ► Podcast at Steamy Stories.
I was standing over the pool at 9:00 am on the dot. I'd gone to bed so early, I'd woken up at 7:00 and couldn't get back to sleep. A McDonald's Egg McMuffin was percolating in my belly, and I felt refreshed and renewed.
The pool was full, and the hoses were still going. I quickly turned them off, and rolled the hoses back up. Then I started the filter running. The sun was warm already. It was going to be a hot one. I peeled my shirt off and tossed it to the side, helping myself to some of Amy's sun-tan lotion, covering my shoulders and face.
I went out to my car and got the chemicals out. Time for the magic. I walked the perimeter of the pool, adding stabilizer, algaecide, clarifier, and finally shock. I hauled out four 50 pound bags of salt, and started pouring the fine salt into the water, one bag at a time. I was working on the last bag when I happened to glance over at the porch and saw Amy there, leaning against the door watching me. She had on a robe, and an odd little smile.
I finished emptying the bag, and headed her way. "Good morning, beautiful."
Her smile looked forced. "Morning pool boy."
"What's wrong?" I asked, moving closer to her.
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know."
"You're breaking my heart, morning Goddess," I teased.
"Please. Enough of the Goddess. I'm nobody's Goddess. Slut is more like it."
"Don't," I said firmly.
"It's true!"
"Don't."
She covered her face with her hands. "How can you even look at me after the way I behaved yesterday?"
I pulled her close and held her. She was stiff at first, then slowly melted into my arms, crying, tears running down my bare chest.
"Have you seen your pool yet?" I asked when the sobs had almost disappeared.
She shook her head.
"C'mon then. It's time to see the fruits of your labor." I took her hand in mine and walked over to the pool.
"What do you think?"
She smiled. "A miracle. You saved my ass, Alex."
"Quite a nice ass to save, if you don't mind my saying."
She snorted, quite unladylike. "You should know. You've seen more of it than anybody else has outside of my doctor."
"Are you mad at me, Amy?" I asked.
"Mad at you? Hardly."
"Then what is it?"
She leaned her head back with a sigh. "I...I'm not who I thought I was. Amy Dixon would never have behaved like she did yesterday. I never thought I could be such a tramp." She crossed her arms over her chest, turning to face the pool. "How desperate am I, that I would drag you into my backyard and blow you, with my husband sitting watching TV fifty feet away? That I'd let you finger me while laying out next to my friend, and almost beg for more when you left me hanging."
She turned to face me. "I'm such a whore. I'm letting you do whatever you want to me, just so I can get my pool cleaned on the cheap. Hell, I practically begged you to spank me and came as hard as I'd ever come in my life, with your finger buried in my ass, God help me. Is this anyway for a married woman to behave? My mother would be so proud."
I was lost for words. What could I say to her?
I took her hand in mine, and walked her over to the covered porch. "Sit," I told her, at the end of our favorite lounge chair.
She sat down stiffly, and I moved behind her, sitting with her between my legs. I wrapped my arms around her and held her. "I don't have any answers Amy. I don't know your situation. I barely know you. You've been a mysterious fantasy for me ever since I was old enough to appreciate a woman. And in the last few days, you seemed like a happy girl, looking for a little excitement in her life, and willing to work for it. There's a wild, playful and extremely sexy woman inside you, looking to get out. I saw her. And I adore her."
Amy sniffed loudly. "She's a filthy little slut."
I eased my hand inside of her robe, and found nothing but soft flesh. I cupped her bare breast in my hand. "She's my naughty little slut, and she's amazing."
"How can you say that? I should disgust you."
I squeezed her tightly. "You are every man's dream come true. An Angel in public and a Devil in the bedroom."
"Right. I'm no Devil in the bedroom. I'm a boring lay, who can't even keep her man."
"That's crazy talk, woman."
"It's true. My sex life is miserable. I mean, we do it, more than most, from what I hear. But it's a couple of minutes of sweaty thrusting a few times a week, and that's it. If it wasn't for my shower massage, I wouldn't come more than once a year."
"That may be the saddest thing I ever heard. Keep it up, and you're going to see a grown man cry."
"It's true!" she snapped.
I held her, rocking her back and forth just a little. "What do you want out of life, Amy? You're young, you're beautiful, and your whole life is ahead of you. What do you want?"
"I wish you'd quit saying I'm beautiful."
"Not going to happen. You are, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in person. Let's face it. Teens fantasize about movie stars and TV icons. I've fantasized about you forever. So much better than any celebrity, prettier and real. I've probably come into a dirty sock mumbling your name at least a thousand times over the years. God strike me dead, if I'm lying."
"And I'm not young. I'm 26 years old."
My hand was caressing her soft breast, toying with her hardening nipple. "Oh my God, 26! I thought you were 25. You are old! Hell you probably only have 70 or 80 years ahead of you. When I'm 91 years old, you'll be 98! What was I thinking?"
She poked my leg. "Don't make fun of me, Alex." She twisted around and glared at me.
I laid back on the lounger, and opened my arms for her. "Come here, and let's talk. Let's really talk."
"No way. I lay down with you, the slut takes over, and I walk away bowlegged."
"Not this time. Come here."
She sighed dramatically before turning and crawling over me. I reached up. opening her robe, and saw she wasn't quite naked. She was wearing plain white panties.
She caught me looking. "One word about the panties, and you'll walk away a eunuch."
"Let me hold you," I urged her, my hands inside her robe, pulling her down.
She stretched out against me, resting her head on my shoulder. I felt her legs shift, and her hips pressed against me. "What? No hardon? Tired of me already?"
"Silly. One look from you, one touch, and I'd be busting my shorts and you damn well know it."
"Really?" She nibbled on my shoulder, grinding her hips against me. I reached down for her ass, and pushed up against her, squeezing her soft ass cheeks. It was only a few seconds before she felt my hardness pressing against her belly.
She giggled. "That's oddly comforting."
"Think I'm tired of you?"
She squeezed me in her arms. "No."
"We're going to play a game, you and I. A variation on Truth or Dare. I ask a question, and you tell me the absolute truth."
"And?"
"And nothing. That's it. Ready?"
"That's not a game!" she argued.
My hand was stroking the soft skin of her back. "Ok, how do you want to play it?"
"Regular Truth or Dare, except the first three rounds can only be Truth."
"Alright. Now are you ready?"
"Who says you get to go first?"
"Do you want to go first?"
She gave me a poke. "Damned straight. Truth or truth?"
"Truth."
"When you came over the second day, and agreed to do the work, what was the absolute minimum I could have gotten away with offering?"
"Expenses. When you agreed to cover the material cost, it was a go. When you asked for it as a personal favor I couldn't say no. The only real problem was I didn't have the money to cover the parts. Once Mom said I could use her credit card, and pay it off in 30 days, it was a done deal."
She leaned in and bit me on the shoulder. "Ow!"
"You little bastard! You left me out there worried you were going to turn me down, and I'd have to go crawling to Dale to get some contractors in here. That was mean."
"Sorry. I didn't think of it that way. You were the one who sent me away the first day. Any counter-offer that covered the costs would have closed the deal."
"Fine. But someday, you're going to pay for that one."
"Ok, Truth or Truth?"
She giggled. "Just ask the question already."
"What is the absolute most I could have gotten away with asking for."
"Everything."
"Everything? Everything what?"
She sighed. "Everything you asked for on the first day, and more. All that night I couldn't sleep, thinking of doing those things to you. Meeting you at the door on my knees each morning. Having you bend me over a table and using me for your pleasure whenever you needed a break. Being your play thing." She giggled. "I mean, it takes a lot of nerve to tell a woman you want a BJ from her every morning. I soaked my panties the moment those words left your lips."
"Now who's the mean one?" I teased.
"You. You could have pressed the issue, and had me totally at your mercy, but no. Meanie."
She raised her head, and gave me a sweet little kiss. "Thanks for getting hard for me." She ground her hips against me for emphasis.
I smiled. "Anytime."
"Truth or truth."
"Truth." Like I had any option.
"Why? Why do you care? Why do you care about anything other than me willingly servicing you?"
I took a moment to phrase my answer. It was a tough question. "I'm not sure I know. I want you to be happy. I don't know why, but it's as true as anything in my life. It must be the Neanderthal in me, or maybe Grandpa's Southern Gentleman upbringing. I want to protect you, defend you, and make sure you are as happy as you can possibly be. Anything I can possibly do to make that true is a small enough price to pay for one of your smiles. I want your heart to practically burst with joy."
"Funny. Beating my ass until it's red doesn't seem to jive with that," she teased.
"Really? Remind me, how hard did you come for me?"
"You are a beast sir, and hardly a gentleman at all, to ask me such a personal question."
"Beast or gentleman, whatever it takes to make you happy, I'll gladly fill the role."
She was quiet after that, holding me tight, while my hands caressed her sweet ass cheeks. "It's too much, Alex. You can't make yourself responsible for my happiness. It doesn't work that way."
"Too late, beautiful. I'm a slave to your joy. Accept it."
When she didn't answer, I continued our game. "Truth or truth, my morning Goddess."
"Truth, Beast."
"What do you want out of life, sweetness? What will it take to make you happy?"
I could feel her body shaking, and realized she was laughing.
"Was it that silly a question?" I asked, smacking her ass.
"Spank me again, Beast," she giggled.
"Answer the question, Beauty," I growled, alternating smacks against her ass.
She giggled some more, then turned and pushed her panties down her legs, kicking them off. "Again, with feeling. Beast."
I gave her a nice firm wallop, the sound of my hand on her bare ass cracking loudly. "Ow!" she whined.
"Answer me," I demanded sternly, raining a stream of smacks on her tender skin. Her robe, still in place, prevented much of a 'wind-up' limiting the impact.
"Ok, enough, I'll answer," she whined.
I rested my hands on her ass, rubbing her cheeks gently.
"What do I want? Damn, that's the $64,000 question isn't it." She wiggled into a more comfortable position, resting on me. "Purpose. I need some purpose in my life."
"What kind?" I asked
"I don't know. I'm a kept woman, Alex. I'm a college dropout, who's never worked an honest day in her life. My parents spoiled me, and my husband takes care of me. I don't do anything. Nothing that matters. If I were to die tomorrow, what would they say about me? 'She had a nice tan.' My only purpose in life is to act polite in public, look good at parties, spread my legs for my husband, and keep a clean house. Hell, I don't even keep house, Maria does. I couldn't even keep the pool clean. I need more. I need meaning."
"What do you want 'them' to say about you?" I asked, all kidding aside.
"I don't know. That I made a difference? That I saved lives? A kid didn't go to bed hungry, a genius wasn't wasted, a girl didn't throw her life away. Something other than 'nice tan'."
"To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people only exist," I quoted Oscar Wilde. "What do you say we get you living, not existing."
She snorted. "Easier said than done."
I lifted her up off of me, and sat her in my lap. "Amy, today, as Cliché as this may sound, is the first day of the rest of your life."
"Why, because you're about to screw my brains out?" she asked snidely.
"No. Today we start on the path to finding your purpose, and fulfilling it."
"Sure. Why not. Might as well declare world peace while we're at it."
I gave her a little shake. "I'm serious. You'll see. It's not at hard as you want to believe it is." I stood up and wrapped her robe around her, even tying the belt in a nice little bow. "I'd love to spend the day taking advantage of you, as wonderful as it would be, but it's time to start the change."
"You are weird, you know that?"
"I am. Somewhat obsessive, and stupidly goal oriented. And absolutely crazy about a woman I'm only now getting to know as something other than a teenage fantasy." I gave her a brief kiss on the lips. "I'm going to go get some things, and I'll be back in a bit. Why don't you put on a nice bathing suit for me, and make us some brunch."
I left her, surprised that I could walk away from sex with my fantasy woman, in favor of helping her find meaning in her life.
I think a lot of people would think I'm an idiot. Part of me agreed.
She had cleaned up, no evidence of crying, sliced fruit and cold-cuts on the table, a sexy little gold bikini with black edging adorning her amazing body, a sheer black wrap finishing her ensemble.
It had taken me almost thirty minutes to pull together what I needed.
I walked over and gave her the briefest of kisses. "You look incredible."
She smiled. "Thanks. Hope you're hungry."
"I can snack while we work." I opened up my backpack, and pulled out a notebook. "20 pages of quotes about life here. Beautiful words from brilliant minds. Read them all through once, then go back and mark a few of the ones that really resonate with you. No more than half-a-dozen."
She looked shocked. "Homework? At this hour? Isn't there something you'd rather be doing our last full day together?"
I shook my head. "Nothing that would give me near as much happiness and satisfaction as helping you find your mission in life. Indulge me, while I do some more work on the pool. Let me know when you're done."
The salt in the pool had been mostly absorbed, allowing me to work on the bottom pool cleaner, finding the right suction settings, adjusting the movement screws, and getting the vacuum hose the right length. It was harder adjusting all the inputs, the skimmers, the cleaner, the bottom drains, but once it was balanced, the pump cavitation stopped, the vacuum pressure peaked, and the cleaner started on its merry way, mapping the pool bottom. I had a Sharpie in hand, labeling the maze of PVC lines, when Amy showed up.
"I'm done. That was actually pretty interesting."
I put away the marker. "Great, let me get a drink, and I'll lotion you up, while you tell me what you found."
She looked doubtful. "Not sure how well I'll be able to talk about it, once you start with the lotion."
"Trust me, Sun Goddess. This will be tame, I promise. I want to hear what you have to say. As beautiful as the package is, for the moment, I'm a lot more interested in the contents."
Amy still appeared unsure, but she took off her wrap and laid on her belly, the notebook in front of her. I pulled the string on her bikini top, getting a quick accusatory glare. A couple of ounces of suntan lotion in my hand, and I was rubbing her back while she read through the list.
"No particular order," she said, while my hands covered her back and arms.
"We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may be. May Sarton."
I rubbed her sides and the middle of her back, combining coverage with a gentle massage. "What does that mean to you?"
"No more easy road. Take some chances, live life the way you want to, even if it bothers your family and friends. Even if it scares me."
"Next?" I asked, moving lower on her back.
"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living. Jonathan Safran Foer."
"And?" My hands were easing her bikini bottoms down so I could rub her impeccable ass.
"I know this isn't right for me, there are so many possible paths, but my current life isn't one of them. And the knowledge that my life is wasting away, while all those other opportunities are out there, it's crushing me."
you leaving here tonight like that."
I was concentrating on that sweet ass of hers, but didn't want to overdo it. I slid the bottoms back up and went to work on her legs. "I like that one. Another?"
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. Marilyn Monroe."
I laughed, "Who knew? And yes, I already know I don't deserve you at your best. What do you get out of that one?"
"It's not about what I am now, it's who I should be. I don't take chances, and I stay in control, but it's grating on me. I struggle to be a good and decent trophy wife, but I hate it. I want to let loose. Take those chances, be more impatient, make mistakes, lose control. And I need a person that understands that, and loves me anyway."
I completed her legs, and urged her to turnover, sparing a moment to take in her mesmerizing tits. "Every time I see you, I have to pinch myself. You're beauty is breathtaking."
She smiled. "I'm glad you think so." She waved the notebook. "I have two more."
"Shoot." I sat beside her, applying the lotion from her shoulders out and then down across the tits of my dreams.
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours. Ayn Rand."
I had her breasts in my hands, massaging them to my heart's content. "Atlas Shrugged."
She nodded, squirming a little under my touch. I didn't want to be that much of a distraction, and after one last tug on her hard little nipples, I moved down to her belly. "Why that one?" I asked.
"That phrase, 'hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all', it's like she's talking right to me about chances not taken, opportunities unfulfilled. The life I deserve. It exists and is possible, and mine if I'll just go out and take it."
Her legs were a glorious thing to touch. I was almost sad she was running out of quotes. "The last one?"
"We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change. Katharine Hepburn."
"Wow," I said softly. "What is it about her quote?"
"I have a lot of anger toward my family, and toward Dale, and some of my old friends, College professors, others. I keep it clamped down inside of me. I hardly ever talk to my parents anymore except to exchange holiday greetings. But it's not their fault. Not really. My life is my own, not theirs to mold and shape. I have to stand up for what I want and start living a life I can be proud of."
I pulled her up in a seated position, and applied the suntan lotion carefully to her face. "Interesting selection. Not what I would have chose for the most part. But that's good. It's intensely personal. As a whole, what does it say to you?"
She looked gorgeous concentrating on her answer. "Mostly that there's a life that I should be living. A live out loud, boisterous, no-holds-barred, fight-to-the-end life that can make the world a better place. And if I'm ever going to know real happiness, I need to," she grabbed the notebook and flipped back a few pages, "grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass."
"Maya Angelou," I said with a grin.
"She's right. Grab life by the balls."
I laughed. "OK. Imagine I'm life. What are you going to do?"
She got a wicked teasing little smile on her face. "Simple enough. First of all, I face it head on, no blinders, nothing between me and life and the things I want to achieve." She reached up and pulled my shorts down. "Strip away the extraneous, until it's just me and life, mano-e-mano." She pulled off her bikini bottoms, leaving us both deliciously naked.
"I decide what I want, and the best way to get it. Like, what if I wanted to sip the sweet nectar of life?" She reached out and took my semi-soft cock in her hands. "I know what I want. I know where it is. I know how to get it. Now it just takes the will and determination to go after it." She brought her mouth to my shaft, licking me. "I'm not going to wait for good things to come to me, I'm going to go after them." She took my cock in her mouth, sucking me, getting me hard in only a few moments. "There, the preparation's done, all that remains is the effort to make it come true."
She pushed me back on the lounger, and started sucking me with complete abandon, stroking my hardness, taking me deep, pulling out and licking me all over. "It might not happen instantly. Nothing worth having is easy, they say. But I won't give up."
She climbed on top of me, straddling me. "I'll be tempted to take shortcuts, do things that challenge my morals and values." She leaned down and took my shaft in her hand, rubbing it against her moist opening. "Take the easy route, where the ends justify the means." She lowered herself almost imperceptibly, my cockhead pushing its way into her. "One little compromise, and I know my goal will be easily achieved."
I looked at her. "Don't. Don't compromise. No shortcuts."
She nodded. "You're right. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. I know if I follow my original plan, I'll get there, it just might take a little longer." She lifted up, turned around and lowered her beautiful pussy down over my face. I felt her lips take me in once more, forcing a groan out of me.
I licked her, sucking on her puffy lips, my tongue gently teasing her clit. It was hard to concentrate, she was doing a great job down below, bringing me closer and closer to my own finish.
"Don't hold back," she said, stroking me rapidly with her hand. "Give it to me. You know what I need. Gimme."
She was right. I wanted her to get it. I concentrated on what she was doing, my efforts at pleasing her far less than they should have been. But I understood. For the moment getting her off wasn't the goal. She was unstoppable, her hand and mouth working in tandem, steady, repeatedly stroking me, bringing me closer and closer with no respite. "Gimme," she gasped, before taking me in her mouth and going at it again.
I was there, right on the cusp. She'd done it to me. "You're about to get it." I groaned.
I came for her. Hard. She moaned as she took my juices, swallowing, and sucking me dry. I could feel her responding, her pink lips quivering across my tongue, her legs tensing around my head. She continued sucking on me until the sensitivity had me involuntarily squirming against her touch. She finally pulled away, turning around and facing me. "I'm going to get what I want, and I'm going to do it on my terms. I'm going to take life by the balls, and suck the sweet juicy goodness out of it."
I chuckled. "Life is in for a hell of a surprise. There's a new player in the game."
She grinned. "God, that was so intense. I can't believe I came when I got you off!"
"It's a head trip. So much of everything we do is mental. Like life I guess. You knew what you wanted, and you took it. You got off getting what you wanted, how you wanted."
"Not too weird for you? The teasing wasn't too much?"
"Are you crazy? You are perfect. Absolutely perfect."
"I'm not."
"You are. At least for me."
"Was that our lesson for the day? Love life, and go out and take what you want from it?"
"Lesson One. You're not done yet."
"Good. I liked that lesson. Can I have a refresher?"
"Later. Next, you need to write down 100 things you want out of life. It could be things, places to go, things to learn, experiences, financial, spiritual, career, mental, educational. Whatever. Write down at least 100 things." I got up and kissed her heavenly lips. "I've still got my work to do. Let me know when you're done."
"100? Isn't that a lot?"
"I think you'll find that's not difficult. You may get rolling and write down as many as 200. I don't know. Don't over-think it. Just write."
I went back to my pool tasks, sated for the moment. I finished labeling the pipes, then backwashed the filter, and added new DE to the skimmers. I added markings to the valves, showing their settings for a balanced cleaning environment. It would require some tweaking over time, but the baseline settings would be helpful.
I cleaned the skimmers out and acid washed them when I noticed they were still green, skimmed the surface, and stood back looking at the immaculate pool, such a difference from a few days earlier. Amy was still working on her list, so I put away all my materials, and checked the water chemistry. Everything looked pretty good. The chlorine was a little low, but I knew that would change with the filter running overnight, as the chlorinator did it's job.
I was setting all the pool panel settings, morning and night cleaning periods, level of chlorinator action, etc., when Amy showed up. "I'm done. I went a little overboard." She was still going topless, but had slipped her bikini bottoms back on.
"Perfect timing. I'm done as well. What do you think?" I walked with her over to the pool.
"It looks great! Almost brand new. I still can't believe you got it done in time. And for so cheap."
"Incentive is everything." I told her, reaching out and putting my arm around her. "The water's still a little cloudy, but that will clear up overnight. What time is your party tomorrow?"
"It doesn't start until 3:00."
"Sometime before noon, you should disconnect the hose at the side of the pool and take the cleaner out. You should also put three packets of shock in the pool. I'll leave those out. Sound like something you can manage?"
She pouted prettily. "I thought you were coming over tomorrow to finish?"
"Not much left for me to do," I confessed.
"Dale goes golfing at 8:00. I thought I could give you your final payment then. He won't be home until after noon."
I checked my watch. "It's only a little after four now. Once we finish the next phase of your epiphany, I thought I could get a little reward."
She grinned, turning and hugging me. "You're going to get a lot of reward. Tomorrow would just be a different one."
I tilted her head up and kissed her softly. "Alright. You've talked me into it. I'll be over around 8:30 tomorrow morning." I was melting out in the hot sun. "I could really go for a dip in the pool. Sort of break it in. Care to join me?"
She smiled. "I'd love to. I think we've earned that much at least, don't you?"
To be continued.
By Tx Tall Tales for Literotica